Part Three: Happy Moms
While in the waiting room for a recent appointment, I was talking with an older lady who was also waiting. She wondered when my baby was due and how many other children I had. She was surprised to hear that I had three more at home and then commented, "You must be a good mom because you look happy."
I am happy. That was such a nice compliment to receive, especially as one whose facial expressions can be read like a book, but it got me to thinking. I think that lady was onto something. Children are given to us as rewards not burdens. Sure, there is a tremendous responsibility that comes with parenting but I think we are meant to enjoy them. These little people can be our little buddies too. They have delightful imaginations, insatiable curiosity and contagious laughter. I truly believe that they ought to be a source of happiness in our lives.
Sadly, motherhood is all too often associated with stress, exhaustion, and burden. Women feel weighed down by their children and it shows on their faces. I don't think that they are bad moms, I think they love their children dearly and are doing their best. In no way am I suggesting that happiness is the mark of good parenting, and I am all too aware of my own shortcomings but I have to wonder what is wrong with the picture when women are running around looking frazzled and unhappy.
Recently I was listening to CBC Radio and they were discussing the rising popularity of "Mommy Lit". The women depicted in these stories are stay-at-home mom's and the story lines are meant to be a bit of comic relief for the silly things we do, like wearing our slippers to the store but also provide a defense for the legitimacy of staying at home. They depict motherhood as hard, harder than it is to work full time with the kids in day care. They attempt to answer the question "What do you do all day?"
One feminist critic described Mommy Lit as "exalt[ing] everything dumpy, dumbed-down and domesticated. And in so doing, subtly endorses a woman's decision to stay home ." That is an offensive statement, but I do agree that some of the books don't do women any favours, especially the stay at home mom. The methods for "endorsing a woman's decision to stay at home" actually reveal that many stay-at-home moms believe what our critics are saying, contributing to the lack of joy many experience.
In essence, many women believe that motherhood requires little intelligence, so in defence of their choice they try and make the mundane seem intelligent by talking about poop, for example, like they're conducting research analysis. They believe that unless something is difficult, it is not work. So motherhood is made out to be hard work. Difficult. Exhausting. Children are described like they are leaches, sucking all that we have to give, leaving us drained. Moms are made out to be martyrs, sacrificing all for little in return. So when the working mom looks at the stay at home mom with disdain and says "I could never do that, I'd be miserable" they really mean it. It doesn't mean they don't love their children, it just means that they want to be happy. And I can't hold that against anyone, I want to be happy too.
While more and more women are choosing to stay home with their children knowing that it is what is best for their children, they are unhappy. In 2002 Oprah aired two shows with stay at home moms confessing their disappointment, bitterness and disillusionment with motherhood. It was an honest look at the realities of how hard motherhood is, especially in those early years of adjusting caring for a baby and toddler who is utterly dependant. I completely identified with these women. At that point I had a two year old and a newborn, and I was unhappy and overwhelmed. While I felt I was doing the best thing for my children by staying home, I had bought into the the lies I've described above and believed that I had to sacrifice myself for my children.
But God does not require sacrifice from us, He desires obedience (I Sam 15:22). Jesus calls all the weary and heavy laden to come to Him and find rest. He tells us that His burden is light and His yoke easy(Mat 11:28-30). Something was seriously amis if I was buckling under the burden of my task and laying myself on the proverbial altar. Biblical truth was not lining up with my reality. What I lacked was the Biblical lens through which to view my children and my role as a mother.
The turning point was a suggestion from a bible study I participated in: that we read the obituaries, consider the legacies of the women listed there and then consider our own legacy. At the end of my life would my children rise up and called me blessed? I considered Deut 5:10 where God promises "to show faithful love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commandments." I was struck by the idea of creating a lasting legacy of faithfulness to the Lord not only in the lives of my children, but the lives of my grandchildren, great grandchildren and generations after me that would never know me. I began to get a vision of what motherhood consisted of and the eternal impact it could have. My home was a mission field, that could transform our family for a thousand generations!
Next, I had to repent of viewing my children as a burden and begin to live out Jesus' summon to deny myself, take up my cross and follow Him (Mark 9:34). I began to view my children as blessings, and accept that the daily tasks of diaper changing, cleaning poop off the floor, nursing colds and disciplining my children was a cross I needed to bear for the sake of the gospel. The tasks in and of themselves were not joyous but what I began to grasp was that they were not insignificant either. Loving my children in this way, was a means of living out the gospel in their lives and a way I could demonstrate Christ's love for them.
I cannot begin to describe the transformation that took place in my life when I began to view my home as a mission field and grasped the significance of rearing my children up to be sent out "like arrows in the hand of a warrior" (Psalm 127:4). I understood that this was God's will for my life, His calling and that He was pleased with my obedience. The promise attached to Mark 8:34 in verse 35 became a reality, "For whoever wants to save His life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me and the gospel will save it." I had found true life and for the first time, felt a deep sense of joy.
Even with a biblical vision of homemaking and children, I have noticed and experienced two sources of joy-sappers in my own life and those of my friends that I briefly want to touch on. The first is a lack of discipline. While understanding the overall vision for homemaking and rearing one's own children, if the specifics of how to train and discipline our children that are laid out in the Bible are not known or applied, motherhood can become a terrible burden. I have met many delightful children, but I have met many that are difficult to like and welcome into my home. I feel for these little ones because it is not their fault, they have not been trained and disciplined. I feel for their parents too, because they look worn out, frazzled and unhappy as they attempt one worldly method after another with little success. I am no expert on child discipline but the following resources have gone a long ways in helping me to enjoy my children and like being with them:
- Shepherding A Child's Heart by Tedd Trip
- The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo
- What the Bible Says About Parenting by John MacArthur
- Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman
The second, joy-sapper I have observed is constant busyness. We as women can withdraw ourselves from the rat-race only to throw our children into it. There's pre-school, gymnastics, dance, swimming, and music classes; along with these are all the play dates and birthday parties for the myriad of friends our children have made. If we allow it, we can be out the door every day with one commitment after another. Two children with busy schedules can be overwhelming, it is no wonder so many can't imagine having three or four or more! Constant busyness is exhausting. I find on our grocery day that I am completely worn out from being on the go all day. The other effect of this is that it makes consistent discipline very difficult and leaves little time to talk through heart issues. Amidst all the business, I would venture to ask if one could readily discern their child's heart issues enough to begin to address them? The instruction in Titus 2 for young women to be "keepers at home" needs to be taken to heart, and we need to slow down and be at home far more than we are out.
Motherhood is God's good gift to us; children rewards! It needn't be a heavy burden leaving us worn out and unhappy. With a biblical perspective, and the application of biblical principles the burden is light, the cross easy to bear and the joy should radiate from our faces. We get to live out the gospel in the lives of our children and impact generations to come!
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You go girl!
I find that so true about the busyness. I fight hard to be home more then I am gone. It can be hard even in homeschool circles cause there are so many things we "could" do. I haven't heard of MacArthurs parenting book...will have to check that out.
Mrs. "M" said...
12:51 PM
I "stumbled" across your blog through my friend, Loraena's blogrole (at Life in Oregon). And WOW...can I say THANK YOU???? I am a bit behind you in having 2 boys: almost one year and 3 and a half. Right now I have had a long line of days like you described: This is what I have ALWAYS wanted: why am I not "happy??" (frazled & always behind) I am going to re-read your post, and study out those verses you quoted. I love my boys, I love staying home, but I think it's high time for evaluation and some adjustments for me!! Thanks you for sharing your heart!!!!!! Glad I found you!
Erin Neiner said...
7:38 PM
Hi Melanie,
Thanks for linking to our blog over at The Blazing Center. I appreciate it!
Stephen Altrogge said...
12:33 PM
Amen!
Mindy said...
12:21 PM